NEW YORK — In a move legal experts are calling “the boldest act of cinematic jealousy since the Star Wars Holiday Special,” Paramount Global filed a lawsuit against Warner Bros. Discovery (WBD) on Monday, seeking full transparency—and possibly visitation rights—after WBD chose to merge with Netflix instead of Paramount. The $108.4 billion lawsuit reportedly includes a provision demanding that HBO visit Paramount’s headquarters every other weekend and on federal holidays.

“We just want what’s best for HBO,” insisted Paramount CEO David Ellison, who appeared outside the courthouse holding a hand-written sign reading ‘Bring Back Westworld.’ “This isn’t about money. This is about healing.”

According to sources, Paramount’s legal team has also requested the right to nominate twelve TikTok influencers to WBD’s board, arguing that “if we can’t have a seat at the table, we’ll at least be posting hot takes from the lobby.”

WBD responded in a statement: “Paramount’s claims are as unfounded as their last 11 consecutive Transformers sequels. We urge them to move on, and maybe call Apple TV+ if they need a rebound.”

Media analyst Brenda Churn commented, “It’s getting ugly. I haven’t seen this much pettiness since Blockbuster tried to buy Netflix for a bag of Skittles.”

Legal proceedings are expected to drag on until at least the release of HBO’s next gritty reboot of the Teletubbies, or until all parties realize they share the same five shareholders.