CAPCOM HQ—In a bold move to celebrate the franchise’s 30th anniversary, Capcom’s latest installment, Resident Evil Requiem, now requires new players to pass a comprehensive exam covering 47 subplots, 19 remakes, and the genealogy of every raccoon ever featured in the series.

“I was excited to play as Leon Kennedy until the game locked me out for missing a question about Jill Valentine’s favorite brand of hairspray,” said first-time player Veronica Ashford, who failed the game’s mandatory prologue quiz and was redirected to a 700-page lore compendium. “I just wanted to shoot zombies. Now I have to learn Spanish, Japanese, and whatever language Chris Redfield speaks when he’s angry.”

Requiem introduces Grace Ashcroft, a cowering FBI rookie designed to appeal to players unfamiliar with the franchise’s labyrinthine mythology. However, fans report that Ashcroft spends most of the game hiding under tables and asking Leon to explain the difference between the T-Virus and the G-Virus for the 38th time. “I love the nostalgia,” gushed superfan Ethan Chambers. “Especially the hour-long cutscene where Leon recaps events from all 36 timeline branches. Truly riveting.”

Capcom’s Lead Nostalgia Officer, Hiroshi Raccoon, reassured critics: “We promise future DLC will let players submit a blood sample to unlock the menu and will include a 12-part video essay narrated by Wesker’s sunglasses.”

At press time, the studio confirmed that Resident Evil Requiem’s new-player onboarding process would be adapted for medical school curricula nationwide.