GENEVA—In an unprecedented escalation of high-society melodrama, two branches of the legendary Rothschild banking dynasty are locked in a bitter legal smackdown over the future of Chateau de Pregny’s treasure-laden rooms, sources confirm, threatening to fracture priceless art collections in a manner not seen since Napoleon tried to redecorate Europe.

The struggle pits 93-year-old Baroness Nadine de Rothschild, the French-Swiss matriarch, against daughter-in-law Ariane de Rothschild, who currently helms the family fortune and is reportedly ‘prepared to fight to the death—or at least to the next auction.’ The disputed cache includes works by Rembrandt, Renoir, and one particularly awkward family portrait where everyone’s eyes mysteriously follow you around the room.

‘It’s like a custody battle for 300 spoiled children, except the children are Monets who never learned how to share,’ noted family attorney Jean-Claude Fromage, speaking from beneath a pile of unsigned Dali sketches. ‘We expect mediation to involve Sotheby’s, Interpol, and possibly a highly trained team of Swiss yodelers.’

Family sources report that tensions rose after Nadine posted a cryptic Instagram story featuring a Fabergé egg and the words, ‘Try me, Ariane.’ In response, Ariane de Rothschild told reporters, ‘We can make as many mini-Louvres as we need. I’ll put a Vermeer in every guest bathroom if I have to.’

Art historian and part-time dog walker Dr. Sophia Monet expressed alarm: ‘If this goes to court, we could see Chagalls being divided like pizza slices. There are whispers of a Picasso being split down the nose.’

As both sides dig in, local residents say they’re simply hoping the Titians don’t end up at Geneva’s IKEA next to the fake plants.