As Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman prepares to visit the United States for the first time in seven years, the royal entourage has issued heartfelt assurances that its members will absolutely, definitely not use Twitter to track down critics during the trip, citing a bold new commitment to “platform diversity.”

Bader al-Asaker, the prince’s top aide and an alleged architect of Saudi Arabia’s acclaimed 2015 “Find the Traitor With 280 Characters” campaign, is expected to join the visit. Although US prosecutors previously accused Mr. al-Asaker of running a covert operation to expose Twitter dissidents, he has publicly committed to “try something new this time.”

“We’ve heard the concerns of the American people, and want to stress that any monitoring of dissidents will be conducted exclusively via Instagram Stories or, if necessary, LinkedIn endorsements,” al-Asaker told reporters via encrypted Snap. “Frankly, everyone’s doing Twitter surveillance nowadays. We’re innovators.”

American officials have expressed cautious optimism. “We’ve upgraded the White House Wi-Fi password and told President Biden not to accept any suspicious DMs,” said National Security spokesperson Linda Smathers. “We’re hoping that keeps things secure.”

Meanwhile, Twitter (now renamed X) issued a statement welcoming the prince and entourage, writing, “We hope their visit brings global attention to our newly updated privacy settings, which now leak user data to all governments equally.”

Despite all promises, Saudi embassy staff were seen practicing TikTok dances under the banner “Operation #UnmaskTheHater2024,” but insisted it was “just for fun.”