PRETORIA—Seventeen South African men are reportedly demanding urgent airlift extraction from Ukraine after discovering that their advertised ‘personal development seminar and bodyguard training’ was, in fact, an intensive hands-on war against the entire Ukrainian military, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Government officials say the men were recruited by Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla, daughter of former President Jacob Zuma, who assured them the adventure would involve ‘light stretching, basic VIP escort protocol, and perhaps a quick trip to Red Square.’ Instead, their first personal development workshop featured dodging artillery fire and learning the Russian for ‘Is this the line for the latrine?’

“I thought we were getting a LinkedIn certificate, not conscription and frostbite,” said Sipho Mbele, one of the marooned recruits. “The only bodyguard work I’ve done so far is guarding my own body from drones.”

The South African government has since entered negotiations with Russia, reportedly offering to trade 400 vuvuzelas and a crate of biltong in exchange for safe passage home. Diplomats remain hopeful, though Russia has counter-offered with ‘two tickets to the ballet and a surprise.’

Zuma-Sambudla, reached for comment via Telegram, insisted her intentions were pure. “I simply wanted to help these fine young men build their resumés. Besides, war zones are all the rage in personal growth circles right now.”

Meanwhile, tourism agencies are rushing to update their packages. “Next time, we’ll specify whether our excursions include live ammunition,” said Teboho Mahlangu, CEO of South Africa’s Adventure Abroad.