PRETORIA—Seventeen South African men who eagerly signed up for what they believed was a career-boosting bodyguard training seminar report being “mildly surprised” upon discovering their first lesson involved storming Ukrainian trenches while dodging artillery.

The men, lured by the promise of self-actualization and possibly a LinkedIn certificate, are now the subject of diplomatic negotiations after it emerged that Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla, wellness influencer and occasional daughter of former president Jacob Zuma, allegedly organized the immersive ‘development experience.’

“They told us there would be a team-building obstacle course,” said Sipho Dlamini, currently sheltering in a crater outside Bakhmut. “I just assumed that meant trust falls, not falling under mortar fire.”

Russian officials defended the program’s creative curriculum. “At Gazprom Adventure Institute, we believe nothing builds character like the transformative journey from civilian to conscript,” said Colonel Ivan Drovnik, certified life coach. “Besides, our post-seminar networking events are legendary—if you survive the first week.”

A South African government spokesperson, Themba Khumalo, expressed concern but tried to look on the bright side. “Our citizens may have been misled, but on the plus side, their CVs now feature advanced conflict resolution and bullet-dodging skills.”

Duduzile Zuma-Sambudla took to X (formerly Twitter) to clarify her intentions. “I never said what kind of personal growth they would experience. Trauma is still growth!”

As talks continue, recruitment agencies across South Africa are reportedly rewriting the fine print on all international job offers.