PRETORIA—In a groundbreaking declaration that upended decades of research into global suffering, South Africa’s Afrikaner minority was officially named the “Most Oppressed People In History,” narrowly beating out Harry Potter fans in 2007 and anyone who’s ever had to sit through a mandatory corporate trust fall seminar.

The announcement, made by President Cyril Ramaphosa after the 17th international press inquiry into alleged white farmer persecution, cited a surge in internet theories promoted by Donald Trump, QAnon influencer Daisy Farmhaus, and disgraced former reality TV star Chad VanWinkelface. “Despite a lack of evidence, many believe South Africa’s government is arming baboons and forcibly teaching local children the Steve Biko version of ‘Kumbaya’ as part of a sinister land expropriation plot,” Ramaphosa said, sighing deeply.

Key Afrikaner activist Koos ‘The Victim’ Van Der Merwe decried the supposed oppression: “Just yesterday, I had to stand behind two people in the Woolworths checkout, and one of them bought the last pack of rusks. If that’s not targeted violence, what is?”

White House spokesperson Chad Freedomstein defended President Trump’s stance: “The president simply wants facts. If he says Afrikaners are being persecuted by government-mandated herds of radical vegan ostriches, who are we to dispute that?”

A third-party observer, international conspiracy consultant Griselda P. Finklestein, concluded, “Honestly, I’ve run out of tinfoil for hats. Every time a myth goes viral, my business quadruples. So yes, sovereignty is under threat, but my margins have never looked better.”