SAN FRANCISCO — Financial services titan Square has unveiled a radical new product: Penny Disposal-as-a-Service (PDaaS), a $0.03-per-customer add-on for merchants struggling to unload now-worthless pennies after the coin’s discontinuation.

“This is the dawn of frictionless rounding,” declared Willem Avé, Square’s Global Head of Product, standing atop a ceremonial mountain of 16.7 million orphaned pennies. “We’re moving beyond the tyranny of ones. The future is decimal, and it’s automated—unless you’re tipping, in which case it’s still an awkward stare between you and the barista.”

Entrepreneurs nationwide are bracing for the new economy. “I’ve been using pennies to stabilize wobbly table legs for years,” said Brooklyn cafe owner Lila Sharpe. “Now, Square lets me simply upload a photo of my table and an AI agent will suggest the optimal rounding to the nearest five cents. It’s genius.”

In response to critics who fear the end of physical cash could harm Main Street, Square says it has partnered with Tidal to stream exclusive Lo-Fi Ambient Coin-Jangling tracks to soothe nostalgic cash-lovers. “We’re transforming obsolete currency into streaming content and actionable business insights—sometimes at the same time,” explained Avé.

Jack Dorsey, CEO of parent company Block, celebrated the death of the penny as a turning point in human history. “We’re also beta testing an AI that turns any transaction under $1 into a collectible NFT receipt. You’ll never forget buying that single grape again.”