In a rousing display of advanced arithmetic and interpretive manifesto reading, Prime Minister Keir Starmer this week assured the nation that his budget, though seemingly violating several manifesto tax pledges, was still ‘spiritually in compliance’ thanks to the use of something called “political math”—a complex formula involving optimism and selective memory.

“We absolutely kept to everything the public sort of remembers us promising. If you squint, it lines up,” Starmer told reporters as Chancellor Rachel Reeves attempted to calculate the number of pledges broken using only a Rubik’s Cube and an Etch-A-Sketch. “Some lines in the manifesto are more like guidelines—what matters is the journey, not the destination. Or the map.”

Not to be outdone, Conservative MP Nigel Underfunded dismissed the budget as a “Benefits Universe Budget,” warning, “Before we know it, there will be children everywhere—working, not working, just loitering about—being fed and housed at taxpayers’ expense. Where will it end? Free hugs for orphans?”

Labour sources claim that removing the two-child benefit cap was a ‘long-standing ambition,’ apparently dating back to the initial drafting of the Magna Carta, with Starmer noting: “This is about investing in children’s futures—and making sure they have enough siblings to form a decent five-a-side football team.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the Department for Mathematical Justification, Vera Loophole, confirmed, “We are confident this budget is at least 94% compliant with the manifesto, which is well within the universally-accepted error margin for politics.”

Citizens are encouraged to use the new government Budget Reality Calculator, which simply outputs ‘LOL’ regardless of input.