WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a landmark decision reaffirming the nation’s cherished principle that math is subjective, the Supreme Court on Thursday ruled that Michigan’s Oakland County did nothing wrong when it seized a family’s $200,000 home over a $2,200 property tax debt and pocketed the remaining $197,800 as a traditional government tip.

Writing for the majority, Justice Neil Gorsuch explained, “If we start letting people keep the equity in their homes, next thing you know, they’ll want their dignity too. That’s a slippery slope we just can’t abide.”

Legal experts agree the ruling cements America’s status as the world’s premiere destination for high-end real estate auctions starting at $2,199.99. Deputy Tax Collector Marjorie Stilton celebrated the decision, saying, “This just proves that if you want to keep your home, you really need to find $2,200 hiding in your couch cushions—or a time machine to pay your tax bill on time.”

Homeowner Geraldine Johnson, whose three-bedroom colonial was sold to a hedge fund for the price of an Applebee’s appetizer sampler, told reporters, “At first I was upset, but then I realized the government probably needed my house more than I did. I mean, what are they supposed to do—hold a bake sale?”

County spokesperson Brad Yelverton assured the public that the seized funds would go toward important community projects, such as gold-plated pothole covers and a statue of the county treasurer heroically foreclosing on a toddler’s lemonade stand.