A federal judge has once again upended America’s sacred right to randomly expel large groups of people, issuing an order that halts the expiration of Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for more than 300,000 Haitian immigrants. The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) responded with outrage and a bold promise to appeal directly to the Supreme Court, or, if necessary, the Supreme Deity.

Assistant Secretary for Unceasing Deportation, Marla Pendergrass, condemned the ruling as ‘the worst case of lawless activism since the Supreme Court made us wear seatbelts.’ She explained, ‘If the courts won’t allow us to arbitrarily disrupt the lives of hundreds of thousands, are we even a nation anymore?’

Supporters of the administration’s position insist that the judiciary’s insistence on ‘due process’ and ‘basic human decency’ is threatening the very bedrock of America’s traditional approach to immigration: confusion and chaos. ‘Next thing you know, judges will demand we provide beds, food, or even—God forbid—a little respect,’ said longtime DHS consultant and part-time escape room designer, Chuck Maddox.

Haitian TPS recipient and amateur magician, Valérie Clermont, expressed cautious optimism, stating, ‘I’d like to thank the judge for not making me choose between being deported or getting a commemorative “Goodbye” mug.’

DHS officials say they are prepared to fight this ruling all the way, emphasizing that ‘no amount of judicial overreach will stop us from trying to cancel programs we forgot existed until last week.’