LOS ANGELES, CA—Lighting the fuse on a new Hollywood feud, Quentin Tarantino declared Paul Dano “the weakest f—ing actor in SAG history” and the “giant flaw” in ‘There Will Be Blood’ during a winding, four-hour monologue on ‘The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast’ Thursday, igniting a cultural conflagration that rapidly engulfed the internet in hot takes and memes.

Tarantino, whose opinions are widely believed to form part of the U.S. Constitution, went on to insist that Daniel Day-Lewis should be digitally inserted into every known cinematic frame containing Paul Dano, including home videos, soap commercials, and upcoming Marvel films. “Honestly, I’d rather watch Daniel Day-Lewis play both roles, every role, even the oil Derrick,” Tarantino told a visibly confused Ellis, while flipping through a binder of printouts labeled ‘Actors I’m Still Mad At.’

Industry members were quick to respond. “Personally, I think Tarantino’s just mad Dano stole his lunch from the craft services table in 2006,” said UCLA Film Studies adjunct Doris Beezley, who admitted she had confused Dano with a barista. “Frankly, I’m just glad someone’s finally brave enough to say what we’ve all not been thinking,” added noted internet film bro Chad Blervins.

Representatives for Dano released a statement reading only, “Paul is currently hiding under a table and will consider coming out in 2025.” Meanwhile, SAG announced all future memberships will be issued with a required screen test in front of Tarantino’s personal DVD collection.

At press time, Martin Scorsese announced he would personally mediate by inviting everyone over for spaghetti and explaining the entire history of cinema, again.