AUSTIN, TX — Texans headed to the polls Tuesday in the nation’s first 2026 midterm primaries, clutching detailed maps, compasses, and emergency flares as they attempted to locate their newly assigned voting districts, many of which had been redrawn to closely resemble the shape of Donald Trump’s signature hairstyle.

The latest congressional gerrymander, dubbed “Operation Tangerine Ribbon” by GOP strategists, has resulted in several districts now stretching from El Paso to Houston by way of several unpaved service roads and, in one case, a Dairy Queen parking lot. Local election official Brenda McSykes likened the process to a challenging scavenger hunt. “We recommend voters bring a packed lunch, at least two changes of clothes, and a notebook to leave messages for the next group in,” McSykes said, surveying a map that now features three District 32s and one mysterious District Bocephus.

Both parties are touting the primaries as a test of Texans’ appetite for political change, or at the very least, their willingness to endure mild to moderate dehydration. “Gerrymandering is about giving every Texan the chance to vote—if they’re determined enough,” explained Republican strategist Dale Wibbleton, while sipping from a CamelBak. “If you reach the polling place, you’ve already shown you’re a true patriot.”

Democrats see opportunity in the chaos. “We’re confident our voters can traverse the new Congressional Minotaur Maze,” said campaign manager Jessica Aranda. “We’ve started holding orienteering classes at every rally.”

At press time, several candidates were reportedly searching for their own districts, which had been reassigned to undisclosed locations for security reasons.