WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a candid new Vanity Fair interview, Susie Wiles, Donald Trump’s chief of staff and trusted aide, took the nation on a whirlwind tour of presidential psychology, alcohol metaphors, and advanced ornithology.

When asked to describe the former president’s temperament, Wiles famously referred to Trump as having “an alcoholic’s personality,” clarifying, “He doesn’t drink, but he acts like he’s been stuck at an open bar since 1982.” Sources say Trump celebrated the comment by angrily tweeting at a bottle of Diet Coke.

Wiles didn’t stop there. Turning her expert diagnostic skills to tech billionaire and space hobbyist Elon Musk, she dubbed him an “odd, odd duck.” “Elon is the only man I know who could discuss Mars colonization, Dogecoin, and his mom’s new skin-care line in a single sentence—then stare into the middle distance for 48 minutes,” Wiles revealed. Vanity Fair editors later clarified that Musk did, in fact, do all of those things during their interview, adding, “He also tried to pay us in Dogecoin.”

Political analyst Barry Grimball weighed in: “This is big. In Washington, being called an alcoholic duck is only slightly worse than being called a sober donkey, which is what they called Biden last week.”

White House chef Linda Mayfield, privy to years of presidential breakfasts, noted, “Frankly, Trump orders his bacon so crispy he’s closer to burnt toast than any beverage.”

The American public is now bracing itself for next week’s anticipated reveal: President Biden’s secret ‘rare llama’ energy.