In a bold move to rebrand America’s energy image, the Trump administration this week introduced ‘Coalie’, a wide-eyed, anthropomorphic lump of coal now tasked with explaining the virtues of fossil fuels to the nation’s children, elected officials, and anyone with an internet connection.

The rollout, orchestrated by Interior Secretary Doug Burgum, included an AI-generated image of Coalie sporting a yellow hard hat, steel-toe boots, and an eager thumbs-up beside the slogan: “Mine, Baby, Mine!” Press materials describe Coalie as “America’s cuddliest carbon byproduct,” and outline his new role as chief spokesperson for the Trump Energy Dominance Agenda—replacing several actual scientists who have reportedly been reassigned to ‘non-essential’ duties like recycling bin installations.

“Coalie speaks for hard-working fossil fuels everywhere,” explained Burgum at a Wednesday press conference, as Coalie glared approvingly from a nearby projection screen. “Who better to teach kids about clean American energy than a sentient hunk of anthracite with a heart of gold—figuratively speaking, of course.”

Republican strategist Cynthia Peabody applauded the mascot’s debut: “Children love mascots, even if they’re physical manifestations of environmental decline.”

Coalie himself issued a prepared statement via teleprompter: “Coal is good for your soul! Breathe deep, America!”

Not everyone was on board. Environmentalist Kevin Frogg described the new campaign as “less ‘Reading Rainbow’, more ‘Chernobyl for Kids’.”

At press time, the administration was reportedly in talks to launch a companion mascot, ‘Plasty The Single-Use Bag’, to help children feel better about next year’s expected rise in ocean microplastics.