In a bold escalation of digital trade hostilities, former President Donald Trump has declared that the United States will slap an immediate 100% tariff on any European nation caught ‘even thinking about’ taxing US tech companies, or ‘giving Google a dirty look.’ The announcement, delivered via a lengthy all-caps rant on Truth Social, left European leaders scrambling to assure Mr. Trump that their recent meetings were merely to discuss the Eurovision Song Contest and not, in fact, a sinister plot against Silicon Valley.

“If France makes Mark Zuckerberg pay one euro cent, we will triple the price of every wedge of brie they try to sneak into our country,” Trump posted, before warning that the Netherlands will also be monitored for ‘suspicious windmill activity.’

According to a senior US Trade Representative source, the new tariffs will supersede all existing trade deals, NATO agreements, and possibly the Geneva Conventions. “We take any attempt to tax our beloved multinational corporations very seriously,” said Deputy Trade Czar Carmella Biggs. “America didn’t invent the internet so Europeans could charge us to use it.”

German Economy Minister Klaus von Widgett expressed confusion at the threat: “I was unaware that tariffs could be applied retroactively for eye contact,” he said. Italian official Luigi Pasta added, “We just wanted to ask Spotify to pay their taxes, but now Trump says he’ll charge us double for peanut butter. I didn’t even know Americans export that much peanut butter.”

As a precaution, several countries have ordered their diplomats to avoid all US tech platforms, with Spain’s ambassador reportedly switching to fax machines until further notice.