In a stunning reinterpretation of American history, former President Donald Trump has reportedly commandeered the nation’s upcoming 250th anniversary, declaring the event will henceforth be known as ‘Trump Day: Making America’s Birthday Great Again.’

According to a leaked report from the House Subcommittee on Patriotic Blowouts, plans for the semiquincentennial now include a 500-foot inflatable Trump balloon over the National Mall, a military parade led by Trump impersonators, and the world’s largest red, white, and gold ‘MAGA Cake’—each layer representing one of Trump’s business ventures that almost succeeded.

“The Founding Fathers were great, but frankly, I don’t think they had my vision for fireworks that spell out ‘TRUMP 2026’ over the Lincoln Memorial,” the former president told an imaginary crowd at a press event held exclusively on Truth Social. “It’s only fair to celebrate the birth of a nation and the birth of the greatest president since Lincoln, maybe even greater. People are saying it. Many people. The best people.”

Top House Democrat Grace Lemony called the move “historically mind-boggling,” adding, “The only thing more American than rewriting history is selling commemorative coins of yourself riding an eagle. Oh wait, he’s doing that too.”

White House event planner Chet Wainsworth tried to strike a conciliatory tone: “Honestly, it’s just nice to see him interested in American history. Last time he asked if George Washington fought in the Revolutionary War with a golf cart.”

Official invitations to ‘Trump Day’ are reported to contain a single word: ‘You’re Welcome.’