WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented move designed to ‘totally confuse communists forever’, former President Donald Trump signed an executive order Thursday threatening tariffs and mandatory Trump-branded merchandise purchases for any nation supplying oil to Cuba.

Under the new directive, every barrel of oil sold to the island nation will be met with a punitive tariff, the proceeds of which will be forcibly converted into store credit at the recently relaunched Trump Steakhouse at Mar-a-Lago. ‘If you want to help Havana, you’re going to have to eat a Trump Ribeye,’ Trump declared at a press event, holding aloft a frozen filet that had thawed slightly in the Florida heat. ‘No more oil for you, unless you like your beef tremendous.’

Pressed for details, White House advisor Chad G. Spicer explained, ‘This order is about upholding American values. And capitalism. And maybe also getting rid of all these extra steaks.’ He added, ‘If Venezuela wants to keep pumping oil into Cuba, they’ll have to clear out our entire 2008 inventory of Trump Vodka, too.’

Senior Commerce Department official Kellyanne Toro described the enforcement plan as ‘robust and delicious,’ noting, ‘We have diplomatic steak inspectors ready to verify consumption. Anyone caught with leftover sirloin will be subject to enhanced sanctions, and possibly a free round of golf.’

Cuban officials responded by unveiling a new ‘steak-to-oil’ barter initiative, but experts caution that the plan may collapse ‘under the weight of its own cholesterol.’