WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move that experts are calling “innovative resource hospitality,” former President Donald Trump announced Wednesday that the United States will be holding Venezuela’s oil “for safekeeping, indefinitely, possibly forever” in a top-secret Texas vault, coincidentally located next to the facility currently housing Iraq’s national gold reserves.

“America is the world’s best at keeping things safe, especially if they’re valuable and belong to someone else,” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press conference, flanked by barrels of crude oil labeled “Emergency Freedom Liquid.” “We’re not taking. We’re protecting. And if Maduro asks nicely, maybe he can see the oil during visiting hours. Huge security. The best.”

Sources within the Trump Organization confirmed plans to offer guided tours of the “Venezuelan Oil Vault Experience” to major donors and select members of the president’s golf club, provided they don’t bring any members of the press, the Venezuelan government, or “anyone who looks like they know international law.”

White House spokesperson Rick Gusher insisted, “This is absolutely nothing like Iraq, Afghanistan, or that time we ‘borrowed’ Libya’s national museum. It’s a whole new era of non-consensual stewardship. The oil will be much safer in Texas, away from socialism and, frankly, people who are bad at having oil.”

Oil expert Dr. Penelope Slick noted, “Imperialism is so 20th century. The U.S. is now in the business of global resource babysitting—just don’t ask when you’re getting the baby back.”