In a bold pre-dawn operation described by U.S. officials as ‘the most American thing since the Big Mac,’ United States forces whisked Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro and his wife, Cilia Flores, from Caracas to New York—where, insiders say, the pair will be held ‘pending an oil-lubricated transition.’

‘We’re going to do what we do best: freedom, hamburgers, and running foreign countries much better than they ever could,’ President Trump proclaimed while unveiling a commemorative oil barrel at a press conference. Trump further assured the public that, ‘Venezuela will be under temporary but extremely excellent new management by the Exxonnian Provisional Authority,’ a council comprised largely of ExxonMobil board members and Guy Fieri.

Vice President JD Vance hailed the operation as ‘flawless, like a Chick-fil-A drive-thru on a Sunday.’ He added, ‘The president offered Maduro several off-ramps, including a lifetime supply of Cracker Barrel gift cards, but the man just wouldn’t drop the whole ‘sovereignty’ thing.’

Secretary of State Marco Rubio assured the international community that America’s intervention was purely for the benefit of Venezuelans. ‘We’re only here to stop drugs and, incidentally, provide our greatest oil companies with a little something for their trouble,’ Rubio clarified. ‘And maybe rescue their baseball league.’

Meanwhile, New York U.S. Attorney Pam Bondi confirmed Maduro and Flores will stand trial ‘in the same courtroom as Martha Stewart, which has a 100% success rate against world leaders.’

Venezuelan officials condemned the action, warning of ‘an impending surge in global empanada prices.’