PALM BEACH, FL — Amidst rising tensions and a high-stakes meeting at Mar-a-Lago, former U.S. president Donald Trump announced Monday that he has personally secured a pardon for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, citing his new unofficial role as the global distributor of legal absolution.

“I just got off the phone with the Israeli president. Isaac Hamburger, fantastic guy, called me personally and said, ‘Donald, you’ve got the biggest hands, let’s do this pardon,’” Trump proclaimed to a crowd of mostly confused donors, adding, “It’s on its way. Probably in the mail with my Nobel Peace Prize.”

The Israeli president’s office quickly clarified. “President Herzog does not recall any conversation with Mr. Trump—not recently, and not ever,” said spokesperson Amir Vexler. “He also wishes to remind Mr. Trump that the President of Israel cannot physically mail pardons internationally, especially not via FedEx Express.”

While fact-checkers scrambled, Mar-a-Lago guest and part-time attorney Rudy Giuliani weighed in: “Donald’s got tremendous international pardon powers, believe me. I’ve seen the documents, they’re incredible, they’re written in gold Sharpie.”

Netanyahu, meanwhile, was reportedly seen checking his mailbox for the seventh time today. “You never know,” he told reporters. “Elon Musk could be sending it via SpaceX.”

When asked for comment, President Herzog’s office responded, “We are launching a full internal investigation into whether Israel has accidentally adopted a U.S.-style reality show legal system.”