TEGUCIGALPA—In a move widely applauded by fans of democracy and suspense thrillers, Honduras has officially declared Trump-endorsed construction magnate Nasry “Tito” Asfura its new president following a vote-counting process that experts described as “part Sudoku, part interpretive dance.” Asfura clinched victory by a razor-thin margin of 28,000 votes after electoral authorities recruited local accountant Steve Mejía to personally double-check every ballot using an abacus and a Magic 8-Ball.

“We had some ballots that were inconsistent, some that were wet, and some that were inexplicably covered in queso dip,” explained Electoral Tribunal spokesperson Dora Elvir. “But we ultimately decided to prioritize ballots that spelled ‘Asfura’ correctly, or at least phonetically.”

Observers noted the pivotal role played by US ex-president Donald Trump, who spent most of December live-tweeting commentary and emailing unsolicited legal advice. “I told Tito, they’re counting the votes in Honduras—probably the fairest election in Central America, after mine,” Trump reportedly stated in a mass-market WhatsApp voice message. “Nobody counts better than me.”

Losing candidate Salvador Nasralla has requested a review of, “literally everything that just happened,” but has been advised to “get over it,” by Electoral Tribunal Chairwoman Lucía Zúniga, who added, “Any complaints must be filed in triplicate and delivered on horseback.”

International observers remain divided, with the Organization of American States calling the process “mostly transparent, except for the parts where the lights went out for three days and the ballots were replaced with Uno cards.”