WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians have already dubbed the most significant sporting event since the invention of grass, former President Donald Trump took the stage Friday to celebrate the 2026 World Cup draw, claiming credit not only for the tournament’s success, but also for the existence of soccer itself.

“Never before have so many people tuned in to watch a group of men pull balls out of a bowl,” Trump declared to an assembled crowd of Republican lawmakers and Cabinet members, many of whom nodded politely while checking the scores of actual sporting events on their phones. “People are saying it was even more exciting than Apollo 11—except this time, nobody faked it.”

According to Trump, the draw’s ratings surpassed the Super Bowl, the Fourth of July fireworks, and “possibly even the birth of Christ.” When asked for numbers, White House Press Secretary-in-Exile Larry Winks provided a chart showing estimated viewership at “roughly 8 billion, including pets.”

Longtime Trump adviser Kellyanne Convict added, “It’s undeniable that President Trump invented soccer in the late 1980s, but the fake news never gave him credit because they were too busy talking about Pele.”

FIFA President Gianni Infantino appeared at the event via hologram, stating, “Thank you, President Trump, for explaining to us how the World Cup works. Without your insights, we would still be playing cricket.”

At press time, Trump announced plans to host the World Cup Opening Ceremony at Mar-a-Lago, promising free hats for anyone who can spell ‘FIFA’.