In an increasingly intricate web of international negotiations, former President Donald Trump has announced that he will not allow construction of the much-anticipated Gordie Howe International Bridge to proceed unless Canada agrees to compensate the United States for four decades of ‘unfair dealings,’ which now include ‘all those times an American team lost in overtime to the Maple Leafs.’

“It’s simple. Not a single puck will cross that bridge until Canada pays America back for every heartbreaking playoff moment, plus bridge costs, plus interest,” Trump declared on his Truth Social platform, before mistakenly congratulating Wayne Gretzky on his recent Nobel Prize in Physics.

Trump further asserted that increased trade between Canada and China would result in an ‘immediate and total ban’ on Canadians playing hockey—an allegation that sent shockwaves through the village of Hockey Town, Michigan. “If Justin Trudeau goes through with this, we’re going to have thousands of unemployed Zamboni drivers flooding our borders,” warned Michigan state representative Chuck Puckerman. “We simply don’t have the ice rinks to handle that.”

The Canadian ambassador to the U.S., Samantha Mapleby, responded diplomatically. “Canada remains committed to its national pastime and assures Americans that any rumors about swapping hockey for ping-pong under the terms of a trade deal are completely unfounded,” she said, while sporting a maple leaf face tattoo.

Meanwhile, construction crews at the Detroit River site have reportedly been instructed to halt progress until someone can deliver to Trump either a giant novelty cheque or an actual bridge made out of maple syrup.