WASHINGTON—In a groundbreaking expansion of American investigative priorities, the Department of Justice announced Tuesday that it is pursuing promising leads that the 2020 presidential election was stolen by Venezuela, possibly under the direct guidance of late former President Hugo Chávez’s ghost.
The probe, described by senior officials as “a hybrid legal séance and a top-secret episode of Scooby-Doo,” is reportedly focused on a cache of documents delivered by two tireless conspiracy theorists who once received a B-plus in 8th grade social studies. According to sources close to US Attorney W. Stephen Muldrow, the evidence includes a blurry screenshot of a WhatsApp message, a half-eaten arepa, and a hastily drawn map of Miami labeled “Venezuela?”
“This is the kind of ironclad casework the Founding Fathers envisioned,” said deep-state survivalist and lead witness Buck ‘Patriot’ Drummond. “I personally watched a Venezuelan diplomat put a USB stick into a voting machine on YouTube. Or at least, it totally looked like that.”
Experts say the investigation could pave the way for long-awaited US military action in Venezuela, or at the very least, an undercover mission to retrieve “suspicious ballots” currently rumored to be stashed in a Caracas nightclub. “If it turns out Hugo Chávez’s spirit is involved, we’ll pursue extradition through a qualified ouija board,” said Justice Department spokesperson Cindi Riddell.
Despite the skepticism of most legal scholars, officials remain committed. “We have compelling testimony from several residents of Margaritaville, Puerto Rico,” US Attorney Muldrow was overheard saying at Señor Frog’s. “This goes to the very foundation of our democracy, or at least to cable news ratings.”

