In a bold escalation of maritime strategy, President Donald Trump announced sweeping new sanctions Thursday, targeting not only six Venezuelan oil supertankers but also several of President Nicolás Maduro’s nephews, a cousin’s plumber, and, for good measure, any vessel with more than two lifeboats and a suspiciously festive flag.

“This is a clear message to Maduro and anyone with even a casual boating license: The era of American coastal dominance is back!” declared Treasury spokesperson Linda Sloop-Johnson, while squinting at a map of the Caribbean upside-down.

The sanctions also extend to the fishing canoe of Señor Roberto Martínez, who reportedly once winked at a passing cruise ship. When reached for comment, Martínez said, “I just wanted to catch some tilapia and maybe a glimpse of WiFi. Now I can’t even paddle to the corner store.”

Experts say the move is part of a broader plan to make being related to Nicolás Maduro roughly as lucrative as winning the lottery—before taxes and with none of the fun. “We will consider all potential sanctions, up to and including denying Netflix access to Maduro’s family,” explained Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Relentless Overreach, Chad Bunkerton.

President Trump, meanwhile, took to Twitter to clarify the new rules: “If you’re on a boat and you look vaguely Venezuelan, you’re on notice. #NoMorePirates.” Maduro immediately responded, blaming the U.S. for the Great Caribbean Paddleboard Shortage of 2020 and declaring, “Today, they come for our tankers. Tomorrow, our pool floaties.”