PALM BEACH, FL—In a move that legal experts described as ‘inspired, if not entirely legal’, former President Donald Trump delivered a rollicking standup routine aimed at the judge presiding over his felony case, as well as the judge’s wife, children, second cousin, and beloved family parakeet, Mr. Pickles.

During a televised speech from Mar-a-Lago, Trump paused only briefly between reading his lawyer’s suggested talking points and announcing, ‘Frankly, if the judge was half as fair as his barber, we’d all be in better shape. And don’t get me started on his son’s failing Little League batting average—just sad!’

Political contributor Maggie Haberman clarified the sophisticated legal strategy at play: ‘Mr. Trump knows that attacking the judge’s family is the fastest way to a fair trial—much like how throwing tomatoes at the chef is the fastest way to a five-star meal.’

Trump campaign advisor Ronny “Razor” Luntz explained: ‘We’re pivoting to a new approach this cycle: radical empathy through personalized mockery. Nothing says ‘innocent’ like lampooning a judge’s nephew’s community theater performance.’

Not to be outdone, Mar-a-Lago events coordinator Sheila Buff responded, ‘We’ve already advertised next week’s open-mic night. It’s BYOB—Bring Your Own Bail.’

At press time, Judge Juan Merchan’s cat, Whiskers, was reportedly ‘emotionally devastated’ by the remarks, but remains steadfast on the bench.