PALM BEACH, FL—In a stunningly innovative legal defense strategy, former President Donald Trump announced the launch of his new ‘Attack a Judge’ Rewards Program during his Wednesday night speech at Mar-a-Lago, offering supporters frequent critic miles for every disparaging remark made toward judicial officials and their families.

The program, revealed mere moments after being arraigned on 34 felony charges, grants escalating member benefits for creative insults. The top tier, ‘Supreme Platinum Defamer,’ unlocks a complimentary Mar-a-Lago brunch and a coupon for discounted legal counsel.

“Folks, you need to criticize the judges, their spouses, their cousins—whoever,” Trump declared, holding aloft his custom-embroidered ‘Not Guilty’ bathrobe. “We have to do it. If you insult a judge’s pet goldfish, you get double points!”

Maggie Haberman, CNN’s resident Trumpologist, explained, “His logic is simple: If you make enough personal attacks, the court system eventually throws up its hands and lets you pick your own judge. It’s trial by attrition.”

Legal analyst Brock Wallaby was impressed by the boldness. “This is the kind of innovation you only see from someone who genuinely believes consequences are just a rumor,” Wallaby noted. “Honestly, I’m taking notes.”

Trump campaign spokesperson Loretta Flagsworth added, “Next week, we’re unveiling the ‘Insult a Prosecutor for Points’ app. Early bird users get a new unhinged press release, absolutely free!”

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering extending the program to traffic court judges and the referees of his favorite golf tournaments.