WASHINGTON—In a move that surprised only those with a basic understanding of traditional hiring practices, former President Donald Trump threw his support behind Fox News personality Pete Hegseth as Secretary of Defense while firmly denying any involvement in ordering a second military strike on a ‘suspiciously damp’ vessel in international waters.

Speaking from Mar-a-Lago, Trump clarified, “I never told Hegseth to sink the boat twice. I said to sink it once, and then count it again to be sure. That’s called double-checking, which I invented.” Trump, who recently demanded the immediate execution of six Democratic lawmakers for allegedly urging service members to question illegal orders, praised Hegseth as “the only man brave enough to eat salad with his hands and bomb boats with his heart.”

Pentagon officials denied Hegseth, who last commanded a flotilla of commentary segments, had operational control over the strike. “At no time was Mr. Hegseth authorized to deploy anything more dangerous than his Twitter account,” Defense spokesperson Barbara Quibble insisted. “The closest he got to issuing an order was asking for extra napkins in the mess hall.”

When reached for comment, Hegseth explained, “I simply suggested the Navy circle back and check for leaks. If that’s a war crime now, then I’m guilty—as charged, and as seen on Fox & Friends.”

Meanwhile, unnamed sources say Trump also reportedly gave Nicolas Maduro 24 hours to give up power in Venezuela or face “an aggressive tweet and possibly a strongly-worded meme.”