WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold departure from tradition, President Donald Trump on Wednesday nominated Casey Means—a wellness influencer who recently went viral for a turmeric oatmeal cleanse—to serve as the next Surgeon General of the United States.

Means, who last practiced medicine in the era before TikTok dances, assured the Senate Health Committee that a valid medical license is “just a construct” and that her unique qualifications stem from having 1.2 million Instagram followers and the ability to sell 3,000 mushroom coffee subscriptions per minute. “America doesn’t need another doctor,” Means told senators, “it needs someone who can lower blood pressure with a single yoga pose and a positive affirmation.”

Democratic Senator Patty Murray questioned Means’ stance on vaccines, to which Means replied, “I believe in vaccines of all kinds—especially those administered via smoothie.” Senator John Kennedy (R-LA) appeared enthusiastic, declaring, “Honestly, my kids only listen to strangers on the internet, so this feels like progress.”

The hearing was briefly interrupted when Means offered lawmakers a free sample of her signature anti-inflammatory energy elixir, a mixture of beetroot, promises, and the tears of Big Pharma executives.

“If confirmed, I’ll launch a task force to replace all hospital beds with grounding mats by 2025,” Means vowed. “And every American will have their chakras aligned at government expense.”

Senate aides noted that Means’ first act as Surgeon General would reportedly be a TikTok series on “Deep Cleansing the Soul of the CDC.”