During tense Geneva summit negotiations, former President Donald Trump unveiled his latest Ukraine peace proposal, vowing that it was “definitely not my final offer—unless you all say it’s good, then it might be.” The plan, which sources say originally consisted of a 140-character tweet, was expanded after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy compared it to “the international policy version of a garage sale bargain bin.”

Trump, seated next to a poster reading “Art of the Deal: Geneva Edition,” addressed reporters: “Look, Ukraine can keep their dignity, but if they want my unlimited Trump Steakhouses in Kyiv, they’ll need to lose like, 40% of their vowels. That’s how deals work. Maybe next round, we throw in a golf course. Maybe I bring back the Soviet Union—who knows?”

White House spokesperson Tiffany Krumpf elaborated, “The President is committed to peace, as long as it doesn’t interfere with his tee time. He’s willing to adjust the offer, maybe swap Crimea for a lifetime supply of MAGA hats. We’re flexible.”

Russian negotiator Ivan Ivanovich praised the plan’s creativity: “Frankly, I never considered exchanging territory for steak. But the Russians do love a good marbled cut, so it’s worth considering.”

Meanwhile, Zelenskyy told CNN, “We appreciate the creativity, but the suggestion to rename Kyiv as ‘Trump Town’ was a bit much.”

Geopolitical analysts now expect the next round of negotiations to be broadcast live as a special two-hour episode of The Apprentice: World Leaders, with the losing country hearing the iconic catchphrase, “You’re annexed.”