In a stunning display of executive broadness, former President Donald Trump on Thursday announced a sweeping new 10% tariff, not just on imported goods, but on the entire planet Earth. The move comes hours after the Supreme Court issued a ruling that cast doubt on the legality of Trump’s previous global trade policies, sparking what sources are calling ‘the angriest press conference since the time he was told Diet Coke doesn’t count as water.’

“If the Supreme Court won’t let me tariff China, Europe, or Uranus, then I’m just going to tariff the whole thing. The whole globe. The round one,” declared Trump from behind a desk constructed entirely from slabs of concrete and expired steaks. “This is big, folks. Nobody tariffs the world like I do. We’re going to make America the richest planet in the solar system.”

When pressed on implementation, Trump clarified, “It’s a ten percent tariff on everything that exists. If you stand on the ground, you pay. If you live in the ocean, you pay. If you’re a Supreme Court justice, you pay double. That’s fair. Ridiculous rulings have consequences. Remember that.”

White House economist Dr. Kip Plumbus explained, “The plan is simple. Customs agents will be stationed at every major tectonic plate boundary, and anyone moving from one plate to another will show their receipts. We’re also looking at collecting tariffs from volcanoes.”

Chief Justice John Roberts responded tersely: “We don’t usually comment on active litigation, but for the record, the Supreme Court has no jurisdiction under Martian law.”

Meanwhile, global leaders have expressed confusion and mild panic. German Chancellor Ursula Glöcklestein sighed, “How does one declare war on a tariff? Also, does this mean we’ll be taxed for gravity?”