In a surprise move Tuesday, former president Donald Trump personally pardoned Juan Orlando Hernández, the ex-president of Honduras and alleged mastermind behind the so-called ‘cocaine superhighway,’ lauding him as a ‘visionary in alternative logistics.’

Fresh out of a West Virginia federal prison, Hernández was greeted by Ivanka Trump and a mariachi band at the gates, before being whisked away in a gold-plated limousine reportedly sponsored by ‘Narco Transit Solutions, LLC.’ The pardon arrives just as the Honduran presidential election hangs in the balance, with the US-backed candidate leading by 515 votes—a margin, according to experts, ‘slimmer than a line on Hernández’s old coffee table.’

Trump defended his decision at a hastily arranged press conference outside Daily Grind Cafe, declaring, ‘If Elon Musk can build a Hyperloop, why can’t Juan build a cocaine superhighway? America loves entrepreneurs!’

Critics immediately pounced, with Senator Lindsey Graham denouncing the pardon as ‘peak 3D chess,’ while White House spokesperson Alexa Botstein assured reporters, ‘The President firmly believes in second chances for anyone who has moved more product than Amazon.’

Hernández himself spoke briefly to the press, stating, ‘I look forward to consulting on U.S. infrastructure—particularly bridges and tunnels. Mostly tunnels.’ The Biden administration has refused to comment, though an anonymous source suggested they are ‘reviewing options, including inviting Pablo Escobar’s ghost to moderate the next debate.’