BRUSSELS — European business leaders were left scrambling Wednesday after President Donald Trump escalated his ongoing campaign for global real estate by demanding that the European Union hand over Greenland and, “just toss in a fjord for paperwork trouble,” or face sweeping new tariffs on cheese, chocolate, and anything else that brings people joy.

Trump, who previously described Greenland as “pretty much North Dakota but with better ice,” reportedly faxed a handwritten note to EU President Ursula von der Leyen reading, “Your move. Want lower BMW prices? Give me that frosty rock and one cool glacier.”

“We take all negotiations with the United States seriously, even those conducted via crayon,” said Hans Beckenbauer, head of the European Exporters’ Coalition. “But the idea that we would simply hand over the world’s largest island, plus a scenic fjord, is frankly ludicrous. Next he’ll want us to throw in Lapland as an early Christmas present.”

An agitated French cheese lobbyist, Mlle. Géraldine Fromage, warned, “If President Trump thinks we’ll melt at tariff threats, he’s in for a brie-zy surprise. The EU has a big bazooka, and we’re prepared to use it—possibly by sending him a lifetime supply of unsellable Dutch licorice.”

Asked about the EU’s response, a Commission spokesperson told reporters, “We are currently exploring smart, coordinated actions. One possibility is counter-offering New Jersey, but we fear the Danes might find that too severe.”

At press time, Denmark’s Prime Minister was seen Googling ‘how to declare independence from everyone’.