WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move to assert American dominance over international infrastructure and ice-based sports, former President Donald Trump announced Monday he would personally block the opening of the $4.6 billion Gordie Howe International Bridge, citing concerns of ‘un-American concrete’ and a potential ‘Canadian hockey invasion.’

The bridge, which was almost entirely paid for by Canada, is scheduled to connect Windsor, Ontario, to Detroit, Michigan, by 2026. Trump, however, took to Truth Social to declare, ‘Not a penny of American brick in that bridge! We’re going to make Canada pay for a wall ON TOP of their own bridge. Double wall. The best.’ He also warned the American public that China could ‘terminate’ hockey in Canada “with just a single phone call to Justin Trudeau—people are talking about it.”

Canadian Ambassador-at-Large for Hockey Affairs, Doug Maplethorpe, responded by saying, “We’re just glad Mr. Trump hasn’t discovered we also funded the Tim Hortons on the Michigan side. Please don’t tell him.”

White House Infrastructure Czar, Marlene Socket, attempted to clarify the situation. “Technically, the U.S. owns half the bridge. We just didn’t feel like paying for it,” she stated. “It’s very American.”

Meanwhile, Windsor mayor Drew Dilkens lamented that the diplomatic spat was threatening to overshadow the bridge’s most important feature: “It comes with a 24-hour Timbit lane for border agents and a built-in Zamboni crossing. Surely that’s worth celebrating.”

At press time, Trump said he would only reconsider his blockade if Canada agreed to rename the bridge the “Donald J. Trump Looks Great In A Hockey Jersey Bridge.”