WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold escalation of international diplomacy, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he will not rule out military action against Venezuela, clarifying that war remains an option unless President Nicolás Maduro hands over the country’s entire oil supply—including, by special request, a golden statue of himself.

“We want the oil, we want the gold, and frankly, we want some respect,” Trump told NBC News in a phone interview while reportedly assembling a Lego model of an aircraft carrier. “If Maduro doesn’t give us a really nice statue, maybe one with me riding a horse, we’ll see what happens. Nobody knows more about statues than me.”

Senior adviser Stephen Miller added, “This isn’t just about oil. This is about democracy, American values, and getting a really shiny souvenir for the White House foyer. The Founding Fathers would have wanted it this way.”

US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo insisted the show of force was strictly about humanitarian relief. “We’re only deploying the largest naval fleet in decades to secure peace and free samples of Venezuela’s top-grade crude. It’s standard procedure,” Pompeo said, before winking so hard that an aide had to help him adjust his glasses.

Meanwhile, a White House official who wished to remain anonymous confirmed, “We’re also looking into whether Maduro’s statue can double as a soft-serve ice cream dispenser for the Mar-a-Lago dessert bar.”

At press time, Venezuela’s navy was reported to be repainting its ships in camouflage patterns resembling barrels of extra virgin olive oil.