In a move that has sent shockwaves through European parliaments and the world’s IT help desks, former President Donald Trump announced Friday his new business model for dealing with the European Union: breaking it and then seeing if it reboots better the second time.

“We tried regulations, we tried diplomacy, but frankly, Europe is still just a spinning wheel on my screen,” said Trump at a joint press conference held inside a Tesla dealership in Brussels. “So I say, let’s unplug it, wait 10 seconds, plug it back in, and let Silicon Valley handle the password.”

White House economic advisor Mark ‘Spark’ Blinken elaborated on the administration’s approach to European market access. “The EU keeps getting in the way with ‘laws’ and ‘consumer protections’ and ‘taxes.’ By encouraging the far right to click everything labeled ‘Accept All Cookies,’ we believe we can introduce enough pop-ups to crash the entire system.”

Meanwhile, Elon Musk announced on X (formerly Europe), “Looking forward to investing in a post-Europe continent. I’ve already named my next child GDPR-404.”

Critics in Brussels remain unimpressed. “Our continent has survived Justin Bieber, Brexit, and pineapple pizza. We will not be felled by a man whose best idea is golf courses on glaciers,” said EU Parliamentarian Greta Schnitzel.

At press time, sources inside Europe reported uneasy calm, as citizens awaited whether their continent would, indeed, restart in Safe Mode or simply end up as a subsidiary of Meta Platforms.