WASHINGTON—In an unprecedented expansion of global self-awareness, President Donald Trump on Thursday signed an executive order authorizing tariffs on any nation daring enough to sell oil to Cuba, warning that the United States “will not hesitate to impose tariffs on itself” should it catch itself even thinking about fueling a Caribbean nation with decent infrastructure.

The White House described the order—which names Russia, Venezuela, and 43 other hypothetical countries, including ones not currently exporting oil—as a “necessary escalation” in the international campaign to ensure that Cuba remains powered exclusively by daydreams and nostalgia. “Cuba’s dangerous communist regime continues to pose a grave threat—mostly to beachgoers and cigar aficionados,” explained National Security Spokesman Curtis Platt. “We simply cannot allow oil to fall into the hands of anyone who might use it to power a blender.”

Under the new rules, U.S. secretaries of state and commerce will be tasked with regularly scanning global energy markets, as well as eavesdropping on suspicious gas station conversations near Miami. “If I see even a single drop of crude in Havana, I’m slapping a 1000% tariff on Belgian waffles,” Commerce Secretary Lana Heffley warned. “No exceptions.”

Diplomatic confusion has reportedly gripped several countries, including Canada, which is now frantically auditing its maple syrup exports to ensure none was secretly refined into petroleum. “Honestly, we have no idea how to comply,” said Canadian trade official Remy Thibodeau. “Do we ask people at the border if they’re feeling particularly greasy?”

Meanwhile, the State Department has issued a stern memo to U.S. gasoline stations: “If anyone spots Raúl Castro at a Chevron, call Homeland Security immediately.”