WASHINGTON—In a bold escalation of America’s war on drugs (and pain relief for minor headaches), President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that the United States will consider preemptive military action against any nation suspected of so much as daydreaming about pharmaceuticals.

“I’m talking Tylenol. I’m talking cough syrup. If you’re making it, you’re shaking it, you’re baking it—Boom. You’re on my list,” Trump declared to stunned reporters at a White House lawn Q&A, gesturing at a map with a highlighter and absolutely no clear sense of geography. “If I even hear that the Bahamas is thinking about a bottle of Pepto-Bismol, there’ll be missiles in Nassau. Very, very soon.”

The new policy, which National Security Advisor Skip Blunderfield described as “aggressively pro-health,” also promises immediate strikes on unpronounceable islands with names that sound like over-the-counter drugs. “If we catch the people of Saint Kitts even whispering the word ‘NyQuil,’ we’re sending in the Marines,” Blunderfield told reporters, sipping from a suspiciously orange bottle.

Republican Senator Gomer P. Frisk praised the plan for its clarity, stating, “If we cannot identify which countries are making drugs, we’ll just have to attack everyone and let the CDC sort them out.”

Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Melinda Sprocket sought to reassure the American public: “President Trump is committed to making sure that only the correct, government-approved drugs enter the U.S.—namely, diet pills and commemorative Trump-brand hydroxychloroquine gummies.”