PALM BEACH, FL — In a sweeping new campaign promise, former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that if elected, he will immediately reverse every executive order allegedly signed by President Biden’s notorious ‘autopen,’ calling the device an ‘existential threat to American democracy’ and ‘possibly the real president.’

“I’m the only candidate with the courage to stand up to both foreign adversaries and mechanical pens,” Trump declared in a video shot from the Mar-a-Lago mini-golf course. “Sleepy Joe isn’t running the country—it’s Bic and Paper Mate! Nobody knows who’s really signing these orders—maybe it’s China. Maybe it’s the guy from Office Depot. We’ll never know.”

Trump’s claim comes amid mounting internet speculation that Biden, 81, has delegated official business to a highly sophisticated robot arm, which experts say is slightly more coherent than most world leaders. “If an autopen can sign bills, what’s next? Robot presidents? Cybernetic Supreme Courts? My grandmother’s Roomba as Secretary of State?” lamented Rep. Melvin Cornstarch (R-ND), chairman of the Congressional Subcommittee on Stationery Security.

Meanwhile, Biden campaign spokesperson Linette Clipton dismissed Trump’s remarks as ‘magna-doodle nonsense.’ “Joe Biden personally reviews every page before the autopen does its job,” she said. “He even checks that the ink color matches his socks.”

Still, Trump supporters are demanding answers. “We can’t have a country run by appliances,” said West Virginia resident and MAGA rally organizer Cliff Tupperman. “My blender’s already trying to unionize.”

As the 2024 campaign heats up, one thing is certain: the future of American executive power may rest in the hands—or, perhaps, the metal claws—of our nation’s finest office supplies.