WASHINGTON D.C.—After reports surfaced of a mysterious drone attack on an unidentified Venezuelan port, US officials confirmed Monday that America’s shadow war in Venezuela has entered a new level of opacity that may soon require all participants to wear blindfolds.

“We have begun operations so covert even we’re not entirely sure we’re doing them,” said Rear Admiral Buck Blitz, spokesperson for Operation Democratic Turbocharge. “Frankly, we’re mostly pressing random buttons on drone consoles and hoping something happens to Maduro.”

The attack reportedly targeted “a port facility, possibly, or maybe an old warehouse, or it could have been a taco stand,” according to a partially redacted CIA press release. Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro remained silent on the incident, leading White House officials to suspect he may be hiding inside a hollowed-out oil barrel or, as one anonymous source speculated, “just napping.”

In a televised address, former President Trump praised American military prowess: “Nobody does shadow wars like I do. This is the best invisible war, maybe ever. Even the drones can’t find what they’re looking for. Real genius stuff.”

Despite deploying a naval fleet, imposing a “total blockade” on oil tankers, and seizing vessels with elaborate names like El Capitán Pollo Frito, the US campaign’s results remain unclear. “We ran multiple wargames for regime change, and in none of them did Venezuela end up with more puppies, which, frankly, is disappointing,” lamented Pentagon strategist Col. Tiffany Shapiro.

Analysts predict the shadow war will continue for the foreseeable future, or until someone remembers where Venezuela is on the map.