WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an innovative effort to boost both foreign investment and demand for designer cufflinks, the U.S. Department of Justice has quietly launched a new program allowing billionaires to clear their names by hiring Donald Trump’s personal attorney.

The pilot initiative, employed successfully by Indian business magnate Gautam Adani, is being hailed as a win-win for oligarchs and the increasingly overcrowded American legal calendar. Adani, previously accused of masterminding a $250 million bribery scheme, saw charges evaporate ‘faster than offshore accounts,’ after he retained the services of Robert J. Giuffra Jr., Trump’s lawyer and part-time legal alchemist.

“America is open for business,” beamed DOJ spokesperson Linda Bartlett, unveiling the department’s new promotional pamphlet: ‘Skip Jail, Hire Giuffra!’ “If you can afford a Trump lawyer, you can afford to create 15,000 American jobs and make our felonies disappear.”

According to insiders, the decision was sealed during a discreet April meeting in a Justice Department conference room, adjacent to the ‘Deferred Prosecution Spa and Cigar Lounge.’ “Mr. Adani offered $10 billion and a signed copy of The Art of the Deal. What were we supposed to do, say no?” mused Assistant Attorney General Dwight Pringle between sips of imported chai.

Legal experts applaud the move for its efficiency. “It really streamlines the justice process,” observed Yale Law Professor Gina Dewey. “Why spend months on discovery when you can just cut a check and update your LinkedIn as ‘Job Creator’?”

At press time, organizers confirmed the program’s next client was a Russian fertilizer tycoon promising to single-handedly improve Ohio’s soil for ‘one little favor.’