LONDON—The international community was thrown into turmoil Thursday after Sir Rod Stewart, legendary gravel-throated crooner and part-time military historian, invoked the Geneva Convention to demand former President Donald Trump be tried for ‘crimes against both NATO veterans and slow-dance classics.’

In a passionate Instagram video, Stewart—who once performed ‘Do Ya Think I’m Sexy’ at a NATO luncheon—raged against Trump’s recent remarks disparaging the courage of Afghan-deployed troops. “Trump calls them cowards? That’s richer than a platinum record. I haven’t seen dodging this bad since he ducked the draft and my 1983 world tour after-party,” Stewart declared to his 1.4 million followers, many of whom were previously presumed to be asleep.

The British government responded swiftly, convening an emergency session of Parliament during which Foreign Secretary Mungo Crispin-Cresswell announced, “If Mr. Trump can insult our soldiers and Sir Rod in one breath, we must retaliate with the full force of British sarcasm. We are considering sanctions on tacky gold elevators and spray tan imports.”

Trump fired back on Truth Social: “Rod Stewart? I thought he was dead. Sad! Like his music—zero patriotism, very low energy. Should stick to football, or Scottish stuff.”

Meanwhile, NATO officials confirmed that Stewart’s music remains a key part of troop morale initiatives. “Every time we play ‘Sailing,’ morale drops, but that’s still higher than Donald’s deferment count,” noted Lt. Gen. Fiona Butterworth.

At press time, Elton John had reportedly asked both men to kindly stop invoking his name to legitimize their arguments.