In a stunning escalation of international snack-food tensions, former President Donald Trump announced Saturday his intention to slap a 100% tariff on all Canadian imports if the country dares to broker a trade deal with China, calling it “the biggest betrayal since Canada invented curling.”

“If Canada wants to be friends with China, they’re not going to be friends with us. Simple! We’ll double the price of their hockey sticks, maple syrup, and whatever that poutine stuff is. Frankly, we might even triple it,” Trump declared at a rally in Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, where he appeared uninvited and briefly mistook the mayor for Justin Trudeau.

According to White House sources, Trump also threatened to seize Canadian oil reserves “just like we did with Venezuela. We take their oil, it’s very legal, very cool. Canadians are too polite to stop us.”

Canadian Ambassador to the U.S., Cheryl Butterworthe, responded with a measured statement: “We will defend our right to mildly flavored potato chips and export-grade lumber, but we draw the line at apologizing for Nickelback.”

Economists warn that a 100% tariff could lead to devastating consequences for American breakfast tables. “If this goes through, the maple syrup crisis will make the baby formula shortage look like amateur hour,” said Todd P. Finster, chief analyst at the North American Breakfast Council.

In a last-ditch effort to de-escalate, Trump suggested a “maple syrup pipeline” stretching from Quebec to Mar-a-Lago. When asked for comment, Trudeau replied, “Sorry, what?”