LONDON—Britain’s economy teetered on the brink of mild inconvenience this week after the Office for Budget Responsibility announced a potential quadruple threat to GDP, grocery prices, and—most gravely—the cost of a Tesco Meal Deal, caused by tensions in the Middle East.

“If the situation in Iran escalates, we could see sandwich inflation reaching levels not seen since the 2018 Avocado Crisis,” said Nigel Barking, Chief Mild Anxiety Officer at the OBR. “Our modelling shows a direct correlation between instability in the Strait of Hormuz and the price of egg mayo.”

Worldpanel by Numerator reported that annual grocery inflation rose to a harrowing 4.3% in February, sparking widespread panic that the British public may be forced to downgrade from Cathedral City to ‘Cheddar-Style Cheese Product’ in their Ploughman’s lunches. “The cost of living crisis is now officially a cost of snacking crisis,” warned Professor Louise Hardcastle, Head of Applied Sandwich Economics at LSE. “If oil prices go up, so do the costs of delivering single tomatoes by lorry from Kent to Surrey.”

While BP and Shell’s share prices spiked in anticipation of further global chaos, analysts remained hopeful about a future in which everyone simply invests in the next region about to collapse. “We’re recommending clients diversify into hummus futures,” said Margo Entwhistle, a senior volatility enthusiast at Barclays. “Nobody knows what’s going to happen, but it never hurts to panic a bit.”

The government confirmed that contingency plans include rationing Cornish pasties and replacing streetlights with ‘stiff upper lip’.