LONDON — In a bold new strategy being hailed as ‘visionary poverty,’ the UK government has announced sweeping cuts to its international climate aid programs, asserting that the best way to protect nature in developing nations is to leave it utterly alone, especially when it comes to funding.

“We believe in a hands-off, wallet-closed approach to biodiversity,” said Sir Nigel Fluster, the freshly appointed Undersecretary for Prudently Doing Nothing. “By cutting hundreds of millions in promised aid, we’re pioneering what we call ‘zero-intervention conservation’—nature can’t be destroyed by British spending if there isn’t any.”

The £100 million Biodiverse Landscapes Fund, once slated to safeguard six regions across three continents, will now exclusively support two British government meeting rooms where officials plan to ‘think positively about rainforests.’ Meanwhile, the embattled £500 million Blue Planet Fund faces an uncertain future, with insiders suggesting the money may be redirected toward repainting Downing Street’s bike racks a calming ocean blue.

Environmental advisor Dr. Felicity Barren offered support for the move: “Frankly, the climate crisis was starting to take up too much Excel bandwidth. Now we can consolidate all reports into a single PowerPoint slide: ‘Best of luck!’”

When asked whether the UK is still meeting its international climate obligations, a spokesperson for the Ministry of Foreign Promises replied, “Absolutely. Our commitment remains unwavering, in the sense that it is still written down somewhere, in a folder we have not checked for several months.”

The government has pledged to monitor the impact of the cuts, provided someone else volunteers to pay for the plane ticket.