ADELAIDE—In a bold move for academic freedom and conflict avoidance, the University of Adelaide announced Wednesday that Professor Joanna Howe has been granted ‘Comprehensive Immunity’ from pro-choice complaints, effectively elevating her status to that of a diplomatic agent at an ideological embassy.

According to a confidential—but also loudly tweeted—memorandum, the university will automatically shred, burn, or simply stare blankly at grievances filed by anyone with a uterus or empathy for said organ, citing a new campus policy titled ‘See No Evil, Hear No Backtalk.’

Howe, who has previously pledged to render abortion ‘as unthinkable as pineapple pizza,’ hailed the move as ‘a historic victory for all campus minorities who have unpopular opinions and tenure.’

‘Frankly, I’m thrilled that the university has acknowledged my right to never suffer the indignity of criticism from people who disagree with me,’ Howe said. ‘We simply can’t have free speech if people are allowed to respond to mine.’

Vice-Chancellor Gregory Snootley defended the policy, stating, ‘We want to foster a robust environment of open debate, just as long as it starts and ends with Dr. Howe’s perspective.’ He added, ‘All complaints will now be recycled into origami swans, per our new sustainability initiative.’

Students have responded enthusiastically to the news. ‘It’s so comforting knowing our complaints will be converted into tasteful office décor,’ said law student Bree-Anna Torquay, ‘I’m going to write one just to see what kind of animal it becomes.’

The university clarified that all other staff remain fully subject to complaints, unless they’re granted a similar status by winning three consecutive Twitter arguments against undergraduates.