LUSAKA, ZAMBIA—In a gesture described by US officials as “brimming with humanitarian spirit and a teensy bit of capitalism,” a leaked draft reveals that America’s proposed $1 billion health aid package to Zambia comes with only a handful of modest conditions, such as comprehensive health data sharing, mandatory cholesterol reduction targets, and reported access to the nation’s entire copper reserves until 2083.

According to the 327-page memorandum of understanding, Zambia agrees to “promote wellness in rural provinces, eradicate malaria, and offer Prime Day discounts on mining concessions to American investors,” all in the name of healthier citizens and robust mineral portfolios. While critics have called the deal “shameless exploitation,” White House spokesperson Barry Mintz argued, “This is a win-win. Zambians get Band-Aids and the chance to meet Elon Musk, while we get to conduct harmless mineral core sampling on every square inch of their land.”

US Health Envoy Dr. Marsha Buckley stated, “We’re just passionate about global health. If a little lithium extraction keeps hospital lights on, who are we to judge?” Meanwhile, Zambia’s Minister of Irony, Temba Muchupi, clarified, “We asked for medical tents and some antibiotics. They gave us an industrial mining blueprint, a FitBit, and a t-shirt that says ‘Property of US Aid.’”

Sources say the memorandum also offers Zambia free training in data transparency and a lifetime subscription to the CDC’s ‘Health Metrics Monthly’ magazine. American officials assured that all collected data will be stored securely—on hard drives located somewhere near Silicon Valley.