WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold leap forward for international healthcare, the United States this week proposed a $1 billion memorandum of understanding with Zambia that will revolutionize foreign aid by requiring Zambia to hit ambitious public health targets, share all patient data, and, coincidentally, give the US first dibs on pretty much anything shiny beneath the ground.

The leaked draft agreement, which surfaced shortly after Secretary of Preemptive Generosity Linda Boxwell was spotted at a Zambian mining exposition with a measuring tape and a suspiciously large duffel bag, outlines creative new approaches to mutual benefit. In exchange for promises to tweet regularly about American vaccines, Zambia would receive an envelope full of expired flu shots and exclusive access to download the official CDC Wellness Coloring Book.

“This is a win-win on every level,” Boxwell boasted. “We help Zambia count their malaria cases, and in return, Zambia helps us count their mineral reserves. Plus, we’re throwing in a complimentary subscription to ‘Self-Care Monthly.’ It’s aid for the digital age.”

Zambian Health Minister Chipo Banda appeared less enthusiastic at a joint press conference. “We are excited to begin this partnership, provided we are still allowed to own stethoscopes,” Banda said, clutching her medical license nervously.

The agreement also mandates that all Zambian hospitals be painted red, white, and blue, and that in the event of a health emergency, the national anthem of the United States be broadcast over loudspeakers. US negotiator Steve Glavine insisted, “This just makes medical sense. Everyone knows patriotism has proven antiseptic properties.”