NEW YORK — Zillow CEO Jeremy Wacksman commemorated the company’s 20th anniversary this week by outlining the company’s bold vision to digitally streamline the American housing crisis, pledging to ensure future generations can browse homes they’ll never afford, but with even faster photo viewers.

“At Zillow, we’re customer-obsessed,” Wacksman told reporters, “which is why we’re investing in AI tools to make crying during the home-buying process more immersive than ever before. Soon, buyers will be able to sob directly into the app, and our Zestimate algorithm will auto-adjust their expectations in real time.”

Wacksman touted Zillow’s transformation from an ad platform into a ‘one-stop shop for existential dread,’ noting, “We’re not just a website where you judge strangers’ throw pillows anymore—we’re a vertically integrated despair engine.”

Responding to criticism over the site’s role in perpetuating high prices, Zillow’s Senior Director of Aspirational Inventory, Barb Tinkle, explained, “Our job is to show millennials a full-color, 3D virtual tour of the homes their parents could buy in 1986. It’s about maximizing transparency—so you know exactly what you can’t have.”

Real estate analyst Dr. Brock D. Morte said, “Zillow is the only company brave enough to commoditize disappointment at national scale. I look forward to their new feature, which will let users filter for ‘Sadness Level’ alongside square footage.”

Wacksman concluded, “In a market this frozen, the only thing moving is people’s hopes, and we’re proud to monetize every shattered dream. We call it ‘vertical integration.’”